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The Revenge Porn Challenge

By Rebekah Wells


As revenge porn victims, we have heard it all. We've heard about how we're making a really big deal about nothing. We've heard that we are just a passing fancy and everybody forgets about us once we're on page 2 of Google's search results. And of course, we have heard over and over again that we are not victims.


Well, we are not going to argue with you anymore. Instead, we are officially offering you The Revenge Porn Challenge.


"Wow, that sounds kinky. What is the Revenge Porn Challenge?" you ask.


It's pretty simple. At no charge to you, we will disseminate your naked naughty bits at lightning speed across the world wide web, shamelessly catapulting you into revenge porn stardom. Your mission is not to squeal, bitch, cry out to Jesus, or kill yourself, as you are subject to eight rounds of revenge porn star benefits. If, and only if, you complete The Revenge Porn Challenge, you then have official permission to bitch-slap as many revenge porn victims as you want for crying victim.


Round 1: Loss of Dignity Through Intimate Close-Ups of Your Snatch, Butthole & Boobs


In Round One, we will submit painfully close-up shots of your snatch, buttole, and boobs to five extemely popular revenge porn websites that are located in really distant regions, like Antarctica, Russia, and Uzbekistan.


Why?


Because website owners in Antarctica will not give a flying fuck about your sinking feeling of degradation, your sudden need to throw up, or the anxiety you feel as you silently count the number of friends, family, and co-workers who are viewing your photos. Website owners in Russia will have no concern about your looming lack of employment or your new following of DSM-V Cluster B stalkers. Anarctica website owners will have more important priorities, like how to take a leak without getting frostbite on their asses, and Russia website owners will be too busy wondering how to get out of Russia.

Are you still with us! You are? Now that you have sufficiently suffered the submission of your snatch, butthole, and boobs to to websites in Antarctica, Russia, Nigera, and Uzbekistan, you are ready to move on to Round 2.


Round 2: Loss of Faith in the U.S. Justice System


In Round Two, we will begin with texting you the phone number to your local police station. You must dial the police station, and a strange man will ask you what you are calling about. With great composure, you must tell him that you want to file a police report about the humiliating online publication of your snatch, butthole, and boobs. When he asks you where he can find these pictures of your snatch, butthole, and boobs, you must stifle your sobs as you list every single one of them. For five minutes, you will hear nothing but silence on the end of line. This is the most awkward five minutes of your life, but you must suck it up. After the police officer has thorougly check out your snatch, butthole, and boobs, he will tell you that he does not think it is a crime, but he will promise to direct more police officers to your snatch, butthole, and boobs just to make sure. This will take a day or so, which means that your snatch, butthole, and boobs will be viewed, downloaded, and further distributed by about one thousand more creepy strangers from all over the world.


The next day, you must pick up the phone when the stranger (aka, police officer) calls you back to inform you that the other strangesrs (aka, police officers) have intently studied your snatch, butthole, and boobs and have determined that the publication is, indeed, not harassment. In other words, you're shit out of luck. The stranger mentions the option of paying a lawyer thousands of dollars to remove your photos. You must bite your tongue and say a very polite "thank you."


Did you bite your tongue and thank the stranger for viewing your naked pictures? You did? Now you are ready for Round 3!


Round 3: Loss of Current Employment

After we have submitted your nude photos to five websites owners who don't give a fuck, we will then assemble a list of all of your work email contacts, and we will send them every single link. Under each nude photo, we will write classy, upliftig comments about you, such as "This whore works for you."


If you are still with us, you are doing better than we thought. Let's move on to Round 4!


Round 4: Loss of Future Employment


At this point, you have been fired. No boss wants to risk his business reputation by some skanky ho's nude photos, so you must begin looking for a new job. In order to simulate real-life revenge porn relief, we will convince the website owners to remove your photos. You will feel ecstatically happy knowing that you do not have to worry about walking into an interview with shame. But we can't let those fuzzy feelings last forever!


Within 24 hours of your interview, we will re-post your photos to the original five websites with a vengeance. This time, we will also pull identifying face photos from your Facebook account just in case your future employer has any doubt as to whether that hot T&A in the photos really belongs to you.


Round 5: Loss of Your Last Name


At this point, if you have a last name, you won't want to use it. Well, you have two options. You can introduce yourself as "Jane Jane," or you can apply for a new last name. Never mind the fact that your last name is a huge part of your life identity. To be a true revenge porn challenger, you must do away with it. Sometimes, this will require money that you do not have, and there's no guarantee that people won't find out your real last name, but we never said The Revenge Porn Challenge would be easy, did we?


Round 6: Loss of Respect from Family Members


After we've sent your photos to your co-workers, we will obtain your family email Christmas contact list. We know that this list is usually reserved for holiday family planning events, but this is The Revenge Porn Challenge. We are talking serious shit here. We will email photos to your mom. Yeah, that's right. That nice lady who changed your diapers. Then, we will email photos to your brother. (Totally not gagging.) And if you're still up for The Challenge, we will email photos to your dad. (Totally not puking.)


Round 7: Loss of Faith in Humanity


Now we know this all sounds like a piece of cake to you. I mean, this is so easy, right? At this point, your mom could win this thing. But we don't want your mom to get any ideas about entering our contest, so we gotta turn it up a notch. We will subject you to constant scrutiny and condemnation of complete strangers. We will surround you with the coolest hypocrites that you can find. You must smile as these hypocrites say one of three things:


#1 — "I have sent naked photos to guys, too, but, OMG, I did not include my face in them."


#2 — "I have sent naked photos to guys, too, but, DUH, they are not the kind of guys who would post my photos."

#3 — "I have sent naked photos, too, but, HELLO, only to my serious boyfriends."

We will also send you countless emails from reputation management companies who will act like they really care about you as they charge you tons of money to push your photos down onto the second page of Google. They will go on and on about how nobody googles you beyond the first page even though you know they're full of shit.


Round 8: Loss of Personal Safety & Security


Are you ready for round 8? Because this is the best, and last, round yet. Since this is our last round, we need to add a little oomph. How? Simple. Underneath all of your naked photos, which, by now, have multiplied like gremlins to 50 different websites across the world, we will post your route to work, your work schedule, and the exact times when you walk through the parking lot alone. You will be stopped at the grocery store by creepy guys who look at you like a delicious piece of medium-rare meat. With tongue hanging out, they will ask, "Are you THAT girl? I loved your centerfold. Nice tits!"


Next, we will post the address where you live. That little place you call home? You know, that place where you feel safe? Well, not anymore. You will be stalked by so many creepy men that you will hyperventilate even when your grandpa hobbles into your house. Still, you must remain calm. Take a few breaths. Do a downward dog. You can do almost anything, but you are not allowed to worry. If you worry, you will forfeit the Revenge Porn Challenger crown, and you will be stripped of your right to tell revenge porn victims that they all are just a bunch of sissy mollycoddles.


One Final Note


At this point, we know it seems like The Revenge Porn Challenge is all about loss. Well, that's why, as an extra, if you finish the 8th final round, we will throw in a customized involuntary porn star name, and we will be sure that you continue to win lots of attention from random perverts all over the world, marriage proposals from 50-year old guys who still live with their mom, and a box of pink-tasseled pasties.


Now, we know that we are going to be flooded with people who accept The Revenge Porn Challenge. In fact, we are so worried about heavy traffic to our website that we have considered not even posting The Challenge at all. But to deprive you of The Revenge Porn Challenge is to deprive you of all the benefits that we have enjoyed, and we wouldn't want to do that to you.


We really look forward to hearing from you. All of our revenge porn website operators are standing by!


LOVE,

WAC


© Rebekah Wells



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